Inhale. Exhale. Summer thoughts

I'm back in Estes Park Colorado for the summer. Weird huh? I think I wrote just two years ago how I would never come back for another summer in the mountains. My last LT experience was so hard

God has a different plan.

Duh. Right? I don't get to lead the cushy easy life I want.

So I'm back.

Even when that was a reality I had to deal with in my head and my heart back in the Spring I had no intention of having to take it this seriously.

I had no intention of even sticking it out the whole summer.

I wanted to have the luxury of dipping out half way through. I wanted a repeat.
-These people are gonna be hard
-These talks are gonna be too convicting
-These people are more righteous than I am
-I don't have the self control for a whole summer dedicated to God
-I can mentally check out as soon as its too much for me
-I don't know if I can handle this

Why did I think I had to do it alone? Why didn't I put my trust in the Lord to take care of me? To lead me? To give me the strength to get through an LT that he would be working for his glory?

Because I was scared. I'm easy to trust those who I know have the capacity to hurt me. Its comfortable. I know how it is. People let you down. Its just life. I can forgive. Why wouldn't I trust what's comfortable?

Trusting God isn't always comfortable for me.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid of terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

The idea that God doesn't mess up is so foreign to me. Its near impossible for my head to wrap around the fact that God has a plan through every struggle and every valley. Stuff my heart knows to be true about the Lord is disconnected from my head

My head didn't understand why I was going back to Colorado LT. 

And it really didn't understand why I was being called to lead

I wanted to get bossed around this summer. I didn't want to lead. I wanted to take a relaxing "focus on your own ish" summer. I wanted to pick up my own ideas from the people leading me and take those back to Columbia and lead like I was shown this summer. (In a way I get to do that but I'll get there) 

So thats how I started the summer
-I got out here a week and a half earlier than the other LT's
-I focused on my stuff. My goals, my routines, my sin, my relationship with god
-Inhale. Inhale. Inhale.

I really fell in love with this idea of Inhale/Exhale in one of the first LT talks this year. The idea is we can't be so inwardly focused. We cannot keep inhaling if we don't exhale every once in a while. If we spend all of our time getting poured into and working on bettering ourselves and not pouring out to those around us we essentially become a leech. (maybe thats a bit harsh) But still Convicting

I just thought about how my walk with Christ has been a whole lot of inhaling. A whole lot of "I need help" and not a whole lot of "I want to help" or "I can help"

"But Steven don't you want to lead? Don't you have a heart for speaking into younger guys' lives? Don't you want to be used by God?"

I do. But that's not inhaling. Thats not comfy. Thats not for me. How selfish huh?

How lame would my summer be if I had gotten what I wanted? How glorifying to God would the plan I had for my summer had been? Easy answer there

Thank God for his plans

--I learned that I was going to lead a life group here for my project. Lead a life group. I had a lot of "But but but"s in my head about it too. But.. (hah) I was genuinely excited. This is what I wanted! An opportunity to pour into the guys around me.

And I was blessed. My life group is a handful of guys that are stoked to share,  get real, offer advice, discuss, push, reach out, and love on each other. Dope crew. They make it easy on me. They've helped me realize that leading isn't all exhaling. They pour into me, I pour into them.

--I was asked to lead at my job. I work in the same department as I had in my first summer. I lead in my first summer there (did an ok job for a punk teenager with authority) so they asked pretty early on if I would like to lead again this summer. I wasn't going to say no (that extra dollar an hour is nice) so I took the offer. Weirdly to me I've realized I'm one of the older dudes in the department. I can't use "I'm a punk teenager" as an excuse anymore. (why did I think that was ok anyways? I couldn't tell you)

Again I was blessed. Collectively our department is, in the most loving way, a bunch of morons. And I get to be a leader of these guys. This is more of a position I can lead by example and really pour into the guys what I feel is best, no pressure here, but its been super good. The quick friendships with the international guys and strengthening the friendships between the guys I actually already knew have been super cool to be a part of. Not all of us are LT's but that just means we get to talk about our different ideas and backgrounds. I think what I'm learning in this part of leadership is that its not all about me and don't worry about the fruit of it 

--I wasn't going to try out for the worship team.

-I'm not the most confident when it comes to playing guitar. 

-I didn't have a lot of experience. 

-You have to play every week. 

-This is a super busy summer and I don't think I'll be able to give it the time I think it needs. 

But there was this tug in my heart. I wanted to try. I needed to try. I wasn't given gifts so that I could be scared of how insignificant they were. I didn't have this fire in my heart for worship so that I could be content with not trying, not pouring out. 

So I tried out.

And I made the worship team

...and they asked me if I would like to lead the Tuesday band

-A thousand "But"s popped into my head. A head full of doubt. Fear

-But a heart that heard a call

-A heart that heard an "Atta boy"

-A heart that was made confident by the push it felt from a Father with a plan

-And a head that knew I wouldn't be alone

I've been put in charge of a great band. They're so talented. They also roll with me as frantic and unprepared as I've been so far. Its only been a couple weeks but dad-gum they work well with the mess I give them.

I've also got great coaches. I get to pull whatever I can out of three older guys that care about my development as a worship leader. This wasn't "Lets throw Steven out there and see if he gets roasted". They believed I could do it and also were pretty sure it wasn't gonna be something I could do without some help. So they've been nurturing me through my new challenge. Ideas, helpful criticism, check ups, resources, encouragement, prayer, trust, just a little bit of what they've given to help me succeed.

And its been good. Hard, but good.

I'm learning that leading isn't something I had to be amazing at right from the beginning, its something I always want to be growing in. Its also not the end, leading also has this responsibility of building up new leaders.




--I feel stretched. I'm flexing muscles I haven't flexed very much. I'm growing in ways I didn't foresee for myself. I get anxious.
--But I'm not alone. I have so many people pulling for me, I have coaches and peers that want me to succeed.

God is pleased with me. 

I really hope this doesn't come off as "Look at how cool I am" and more like "Look at how God is working". I'm extremely excited about this summer. I've been given chances. Two years ago I swore I'd never come back and then now I'm getting to devote myself fully to The Father and his work through me.



Maybe some thoughts that I'd like prayer for
-that I lead humbly
-that anxiety doesn't overtake me
-my boldness in how I lead others to Christ
-that I can learn to lead well

Psalm 28:7

The LORD is my strength and my shield; 

my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. 

My heart leaps for joy, 

and with my song I praise him.

Sidelined

I take walking for granted.

I guess right now I could say I took walking for granted.

Long story short (because I like to tell the story in person with my own little bit of visual enhancement) I dislocated my ankle a couple weeks ago and its not the shortest of recovery times. I don't have a history of injury, in fact I forgot the last times I had been to a hospital when they asked me because it had literally been half my life ago since I had gone last. So I'm not used to being this kind of lame

Anyways, I sat week or two trying to think of what I would write about in this segment of "my life update for the internet that is too long for a facebook status (because who uses those anymore anyways)" and I drew blanks. Sure I could talk about the trials of it; walking is hard, showering is hard, sleeping is hard, ect.

But who wants to read that? Better question. Who wants to write that? I'm a lot of things but I like to think I'm not a complainer. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Cor. 10-13

I understand that this isn't the easiest thing to remember, but honest, I can't help but be stuck on how good I have it right now. 

I have so much free time for activities!! I can't really do the activities part thats not what I'm getting at. I love how I get to spend the time I have. I'm a quality time person, meaning I like to show and receive love by spending quality time with people. As vague and mysterious as that is I've been stoked to get to embrace that these last couple of weeks. I like to sit with people (an activity that I can still do) I don't even have to talk. Honest I talk so much normally that I enjoy not having to talk or getting the chance to listen much more than hearing my own voice. When you get to the point where you can sit in a quiet room with somebody and just sit, you know its real. I've gotten the chance to sit with some of my favorite people recently and as insignificant as that might be to say or to read I've treasured those times. People are where I get my energy and I feel totally charged 

Whats cool about recharging right now is the timing of it all. I'll be in Colorado in a month or so. "But you can't hike on a bum ankle!" Luckily for me I hate hiking so that's not even gonna be an issue. But what is most exciting for me going back to Colorado is the guys I don't even know yet. The guys in my project group, the guys I'll work with, the guys I'll ball with (injury permitting). I'm stoked out of my mind to start pouring into guys around me even if it ends up being just my roommates. I'm stoked out of my mind about everything about LT. 

The group we're taking to Colorado is dope too. 

Another thing I've been super grateful for is the group of servant minded people that fill my life. For real though. The community that I get to be a part of is the kind that spoils you. I had people there to pray for me as soon as my ankle was dislocated, I didn't have to wheel myself to the hospital, I didn't have to sit in the hospital for two hours myself, I didn't have to eat by myself afterwards, I haven't had to walk nearly anywhere (and when I did people were upset I didn't give them a call), I've heard "If you need anything just give me a call" from a good number of people and I know for a fact they all sincerely meant it. I haven't had to watch a single playoff Blues game alone, I'm taken care of. 

-Change of pace for a second, heres my idea on whats going on right now in my life-

I've had to slow my roll though. Goin and goin with LT coming up and juggling the two jobs I put stuff on the backburner. Unfortunately some of the things I've been talking about being super grateful for were the same things I put on hold. Crazy how that works huh? I got a little whack and comfortable in my whackness, so God threw a curve. 

Part of this I think has got to be a chance to fix my eyes more solely on Christ anyways. Christians like the word stagnant but I think it was just a comfortable thing for me. I don't think Christ calls us to ever become comfortable in your walk. I had given up a comfortable amount of my life, a comfortable amount of my future, a comfortable amount of my plans. I said "God you can have all of this, look at how obedient and faithful I am" but I was keeping what I wanted and what I thought I could handle on my own. Cliche story. 

But like hearing an old sermon taught by a different pastor or from a different angle I want to look at the scriptures and reflect on God's goodness and sing praises as if it was the first time I ever had the chance to. 

I wanna be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I think I'm getting a lesson in that.


Wrapping up though I just wanna say that God is good. I'm in a good spot, stuff is weird (everything everywhere all the time is weird), my foot hurts. 

And heres a Psalm that's pretty dope

Psalm 23

1The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

2He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

3he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

for his name’s sake.

4Even though I walk

through the darkest valley,a

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

5You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

6Surely your goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.

Happy funtimes. Pt. 1 (of just 2 don't flip on me)

Ayyyy

I wanna talk about things I love and (I feel blessed to say) I've gotten to be a part of,. I also wanna try to tie it all together to shed a little light on why I wanna teach and coach in the future. I'mma cut this into two separate parts too because it's already a giant block of text and I ain't about making it pretty with pictures and that.

-Music-
I wouldn't think music had much to do with coaching or teaching or basketball or really much at all since in my mind it comes pretty naturally and I don't sit and think about what it does for me. Then I sit here with my weird "write the perfect blog" writer's block nonsense going on forcing me to actually look at what music is for me right now, specifically the music I get to be a part of. But first some thoughts on what I think music is.

Kurt Vonnegut told a school that everyone should work on an art. Any art, no matter how good you are or how good you get. Simply to find out more about yourself. Let your soul grow. I'm not sure if your Mom's told you that a good corn chowder was good for your soul or not but throughout my childhood I heard that phrase about a good many things that probably are "good", but for the soul? I'm not so sure. But what Kurt said about an art I agree with whole heartedly.

Music is expression. Its emotion. It is the language of the soul. Its raw. Its universal. Its good. Its complex. Its simple. Its necessary.
You can love it from any angle! Making it, hearing it, writing it, picking it apart, certain voices, certain instruments, certain sounds, lyrics, lyricists, genres, songs.
I could prolly bore you with my favorite parts of all of those pieces that I think make up music but golly that'd be annoyingly long. (Lets just talk about it sometime)

My dad sings, always has, always will, so naturally my brothers and I sang all the time. From singing along to a Billy Gilman cd blasting on a boombox in the basement, being a choir boy nearly every year of school, to an aspiring worship leader on Sundays, I've always felt at home flexing my pipes.

The Lord has really blessed me. And before you read this and think "Holy crow, man. Steven just rambles on and on about how good he has it blah blah blah" I just wanna say I'm a weirdo and I don't process things until I speak them/write them out. So this is for me to just remind myself of how good our God is and for yall to be with me as I process it. Oh boy!

Opportunity-being raised by a family who enjoys singing and isn't afraid to sing whatever is playing on the radio and living in a small town that allowed me to be a part of a chorale program all throughout high school. My little brother also got me hooked up with a Voice coach for my senior year when I wasn't in the choir who worked with me (full of grace for a punk who didn't take it as seriously as he should have). And then now, being a part of a student ministry that encourages service and student involvement in every aspect of the services and events He has blessed me with The Rock and its worship team.

Talent- Reading music wasn't really a strong suit for me but feeling out melodies, hearing harmonies, and carrying a tune for me was nearly instinctual. I'll never claim to be a guitar player though.

Encouragement- I rag on my dad for being too easy on me and praising my efforts too easily but really his confidence in me, even when I was over critical of myself and my performance, was the uplift I needed when I wasn't yet secure in myself. Now some of my best friends are also some of my best encouragers. Joe Langworthy has been pushing me to give the worship team a shot for a couple years now and has always been there to help me out or give me a good word, critical when I need it but helpful always. I really just wanna sit here and give a shoutout to everybody but that'd get lengthy, I just want yall to know I don't take them as well as I'd want to but I really do appreciate whatever you guys say.

Great teammates- Some of my best friends share music with me. Some of my favorite memories are walking to and from my classes with my buddies and singing harmonies to whatever we were talking about, not even to mention being able to make up one half of a Coop section leader team with my best friend Jonathan. My little brother and I have led a few services at my home church and that kid has always made it super easy on me. He had to teach me the guitar part for every song we played on Sunday's because I was just stoked to share the words and melody. He did it patiently (most times) and totally confident in the Lord that whatever happened we would be raising a joyful noise that our heavenly Father would delight in. (ur a studmuffin Gabey). The band I get to play with now (what are we? Band 2? The other band? Whatever. ["Naming your band is the last thing you need to do"-Joe Langworthy]) is full of great teammates. These people are talented. Wow. I get so stoked worshiping with them that often times I lose myself and don't even think to play my guitar (yeaaa thats why I get lost as often as I do). But for real I love being part of a team like that

I didn't mean to be as conveniently transitional. Look at me.

I'm gonna scribe out some more about my third love in life (If singing was Numero uno and Daphne Blake is number 2)


-Basketball-
The prettiest, most fun, technical, talent filled, and perfect game this life has to offer. Its all about that orange ball.

Fun story. If it hadn't had been for Jared Patterson asking me in 4th grade (and I really have no clue why) if I wanted to be on their travelling team..

I might have never picked up a ball.
I might have never found my place in my small town
I might have never become friends with the guys
I might have been an ungraceful oaf forever
I might have taken high school even less seriously
I might not have any idea what it means to be a part of a team
I might not know how to relate to athletes
I might not have an idea of the kind of coach I want to be and what kinds of good (and harm) I could do

But he did.

I'm a guy who loves competition, might love it more than I really should. But basketball was an interesting challenge for me.

I was bad. Weird.

I rode the bench most of my awkward preteen/not showering/not getting it phase. I was hungry for minutes but also not much more than a warm lanky body out on the floor so I got to sit and watch for a good bit of my career but that let my brain soak the instruction and make up of the game. I couldn't just use my brain to make myself a better shooter or higher flyer but I could process instruction and tactics. So I learned. Ended up taking something from every coach I've ever had be it coaching style (during games, practice, prep, offseason)

I'm not gonna talk the glory days but more of why I want it to be a part of my life in my career.

Only recently have I realized how big of a deal coaching is.

Coaches are parents. Coaches are older brothers. Coaches have more impact than a lot of people might think.

Honest throughout high school between school, social life, girls, eating, and basketball my coaches were who I spent the most hours being influenced by. I yearned for their approval more than anything. I was as good as my coach thought I was. I was worth the amount of minutes I got on the floor.
Coach was my male role model
I got out with daddy issues out the wazz for it

Highschool is weird.
Guys are weird.

Where do I fit? Where am I comfortable? Where am I accepted? Where is home?
I think these questions get answered with sports all the time. ALL THE TIME.
Thats what I did. I wanted to be a basketball player. I put my worth in basketball.

Are you gettin me?
Coaches get to facilitate that to a good extent.

"Steven why would you wanna do that? Sounds tricky. Sounds rife with opportunities to hurt young men"

Its so I can get the keys to a basketball gym.

But for real. I wanna do it right. I want to be a positive male influence for guys going through some of the weirdest/hardest years of their lives. I want to love the guys I coach. I want to coach them on how to play basketball. I want to be able to watch insecure boys grow into confident young men, give them an escape because the sound of a swish from a 15 footer makes their mind refresh. I want them to get lost in something they love. I want to help them with teamwork, selflessness, encouragement, teaching, respect.

Even, as hard as it might be to do, be the coach that in some way helped a guy fall in love with Christ Jesus.

I just feel like I was made to coach. I think I fell in love with the orange ball because it would help me love others.

And maybe even coach a team to win the Class 4 basketball championship in Missouri.

There. Done. Exhausted. Nap time.

Thanks for reading. I'd love to talk more about any of this stuff. If its basketball I'm always thinking about it and if its music I always have a song in my head. I'm also a much better talker than writer.

Till next time!