Inhale. Exhale. Summer thoughts

I'm back in Estes Park Colorado for the summer. Weird huh? I think I wrote just two years ago how I would never come back for another summer in the mountains. My last LT experience was so hard

God has a different plan.

Duh. Right? I don't get to lead the cushy easy life I want.

So I'm back.

Even when that was a reality I had to deal with in my head and my heart back in the Spring I had no intention of having to take it this seriously.

I had no intention of even sticking it out the whole summer.

I wanted to have the luxury of dipping out half way through. I wanted a repeat.
-These people are gonna be hard
-These talks are gonna be too convicting
-These people are more righteous than I am
-I don't have the self control for a whole summer dedicated to God
-I can mentally check out as soon as its too much for me
-I don't know if I can handle this

Why did I think I had to do it alone? Why didn't I put my trust in the Lord to take care of me? To lead me? To give me the strength to get through an LT that he would be working for his glory?

Because I was scared. I'm easy to trust those who I know have the capacity to hurt me. Its comfortable. I know how it is. People let you down. Its just life. I can forgive. Why wouldn't I trust what's comfortable?

Trusting God isn't always comfortable for me.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid of terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

The idea that God doesn't mess up is so foreign to me. Its near impossible for my head to wrap around the fact that God has a plan through every struggle and every valley. Stuff my heart knows to be true about the Lord is disconnected from my head

My head didn't understand why I was going back to Colorado LT. 

And it really didn't understand why I was being called to lead

I wanted to get bossed around this summer. I didn't want to lead. I wanted to take a relaxing "focus on your own ish" summer. I wanted to pick up my own ideas from the people leading me and take those back to Columbia and lead like I was shown this summer. (In a way I get to do that but I'll get there) 

So thats how I started the summer
-I got out here a week and a half earlier than the other LT's
-I focused on my stuff. My goals, my routines, my sin, my relationship with god
-Inhale. Inhale. Inhale.

I really fell in love with this idea of Inhale/Exhale in one of the first LT talks this year. The idea is we can't be so inwardly focused. We cannot keep inhaling if we don't exhale every once in a while. If we spend all of our time getting poured into and working on bettering ourselves and not pouring out to those around us we essentially become a leech. (maybe thats a bit harsh) But still Convicting

I just thought about how my walk with Christ has been a whole lot of inhaling. A whole lot of "I need help" and not a whole lot of "I want to help" or "I can help"

"But Steven don't you want to lead? Don't you have a heart for speaking into younger guys' lives? Don't you want to be used by God?"

I do. But that's not inhaling. Thats not comfy. Thats not for me. How selfish huh?

How lame would my summer be if I had gotten what I wanted? How glorifying to God would the plan I had for my summer had been? Easy answer there

Thank God for his plans

--I learned that I was going to lead a life group here for my project. Lead a life group. I had a lot of "But but but"s in my head about it too. But.. (hah) I was genuinely excited. This is what I wanted! An opportunity to pour into the guys around me.

And I was blessed. My life group is a handful of guys that are stoked to share,  get real, offer advice, discuss, push, reach out, and love on each other. Dope crew. They make it easy on me. They've helped me realize that leading isn't all exhaling. They pour into me, I pour into them.

--I was asked to lead at my job. I work in the same department as I had in my first summer. I lead in my first summer there (did an ok job for a punk teenager with authority) so they asked pretty early on if I would like to lead again this summer. I wasn't going to say no (that extra dollar an hour is nice) so I took the offer. Weirdly to me I've realized I'm one of the older dudes in the department. I can't use "I'm a punk teenager" as an excuse anymore. (why did I think that was ok anyways? I couldn't tell you)

Again I was blessed. Collectively our department is, in the most loving way, a bunch of morons. And I get to be a leader of these guys. This is more of a position I can lead by example and really pour into the guys what I feel is best, no pressure here, but its been super good. The quick friendships with the international guys and strengthening the friendships between the guys I actually already knew have been super cool to be a part of. Not all of us are LT's but that just means we get to talk about our different ideas and backgrounds. I think what I'm learning in this part of leadership is that its not all about me and don't worry about the fruit of it 

--I wasn't going to try out for the worship team.

-I'm not the most confident when it comes to playing guitar. 

-I didn't have a lot of experience. 

-You have to play every week. 

-This is a super busy summer and I don't think I'll be able to give it the time I think it needs. 

But there was this tug in my heart. I wanted to try. I needed to try. I wasn't given gifts so that I could be scared of how insignificant they were. I didn't have this fire in my heart for worship so that I could be content with not trying, not pouring out. 

So I tried out.

And I made the worship team

...and they asked me if I would like to lead the Tuesday band

-A thousand "But"s popped into my head. A head full of doubt. Fear

-But a heart that heard a call

-A heart that heard an "Atta boy"

-A heart that was made confident by the push it felt from a Father with a plan

-And a head that knew I wouldn't be alone

I've been put in charge of a great band. They're so talented. They also roll with me as frantic and unprepared as I've been so far. Its only been a couple weeks but dad-gum they work well with the mess I give them.

I've also got great coaches. I get to pull whatever I can out of three older guys that care about my development as a worship leader. This wasn't "Lets throw Steven out there and see if he gets roasted". They believed I could do it and also were pretty sure it wasn't gonna be something I could do without some help. So they've been nurturing me through my new challenge. Ideas, helpful criticism, check ups, resources, encouragement, prayer, trust, just a little bit of what they've given to help me succeed.

And its been good. Hard, but good.

I'm learning that leading isn't something I had to be amazing at right from the beginning, its something I always want to be growing in. Its also not the end, leading also has this responsibility of building up new leaders.




--I feel stretched. I'm flexing muscles I haven't flexed very much. I'm growing in ways I didn't foresee for myself. I get anxious.
--But I'm not alone. I have so many people pulling for me, I have coaches and peers that want me to succeed.

God is pleased with me. 

I really hope this doesn't come off as "Look at how cool I am" and more like "Look at how God is working". I'm extremely excited about this summer. I've been given chances. Two years ago I swore I'd never come back and then now I'm getting to devote myself fully to The Father and his work through me.



Maybe some thoughts that I'd like prayer for
-that I lead humbly
-that anxiety doesn't overtake me
-my boldness in how I lead others to Christ
-that I can learn to lead well

Psalm 28:7

The LORD is my strength and my shield; 

my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. 

My heart leaps for joy, 

and with my song I praise him.

Sidelined

I take walking for granted.

I guess right now I could say I took walking for granted.

Long story short (because I like to tell the story in person with my own little bit of visual enhancement) I dislocated my ankle a couple weeks ago and its not the shortest of recovery times. I don't have a history of injury, in fact I forgot the last times I had been to a hospital when they asked me because it had literally been half my life ago since I had gone last. So I'm not used to being this kind of lame

Anyways, I sat week or two trying to think of what I would write about in this segment of "my life update for the internet that is too long for a facebook status (because who uses those anymore anyways)" and I drew blanks. Sure I could talk about the trials of it; walking is hard, showering is hard, sleeping is hard, ect.

But who wants to read that? Better question. Who wants to write that? I'm a lot of things but I like to think I'm not a complainer. You get what you get and you don't throw a fit.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 1 Cor. 10-13

I understand that this isn't the easiest thing to remember, but honest, I can't help but be stuck on how good I have it right now. 

I have so much free time for activities!! I can't really do the activities part thats not what I'm getting at. I love how I get to spend the time I have. I'm a quality time person, meaning I like to show and receive love by spending quality time with people. As vague and mysterious as that is I've been stoked to get to embrace that these last couple of weeks. I like to sit with people (an activity that I can still do) I don't even have to talk. Honest I talk so much normally that I enjoy not having to talk or getting the chance to listen much more than hearing my own voice. When you get to the point where you can sit in a quiet room with somebody and just sit, you know its real. I've gotten the chance to sit with some of my favorite people recently and as insignificant as that might be to say or to read I've treasured those times. People are where I get my energy and I feel totally charged 

Whats cool about recharging right now is the timing of it all. I'll be in Colorado in a month or so. "But you can't hike on a bum ankle!" Luckily for me I hate hiking so that's not even gonna be an issue. But what is most exciting for me going back to Colorado is the guys I don't even know yet. The guys in my project group, the guys I'll work with, the guys I'll ball with (injury permitting). I'm stoked out of my mind to start pouring into guys around me even if it ends up being just my roommates. I'm stoked out of my mind about everything about LT. 

The group we're taking to Colorado is dope too. 

Another thing I've been super grateful for is the group of servant minded people that fill my life. For real though. The community that I get to be a part of is the kind that spoils you. I had people there to pray for me as soon as my ankle was dislocated, I didn't have to wheel myself to the hospital, I didn't have to sit in the hospital for two hours myself, I didn't have to eat by myself afterwards, I haven't had to walk nearly anywhere (and when I did people were upset I didn't give them a call), I've heard "If you need anything just give me a call" from a good number of people and I know for a fact they all sincerely meant it. I haven't had to watch a single playoff Blues game alone, I'm taken care of. 

-Change of pace for a second, heres my idea on whats going on right now in my life-

I've had to slow my roll though. Goin and goin with LT coming up and juggling the two jobs I put stuff on the backburner. Unfortunately some of the things I've been talking about being super grateful for were the same things I put on hold. Crazy how that works huh? I got a little whack and comfortable in my whackness, so God threw a curve. 

Part of this I think has got to be a chance to fix my eyes more solely on Christ anyways. Christians like the word stagnant but I think it was just a comfortable thing for me. I don't think Christ calls us to ever become comfortable in your walk. I had given up a comfortable amount of my life, a comfortable amount of my future, a comfortable amount of my plans. I said "God you can have all of this, look at how obedient and faithful I am" but I was keeping what I wanted and what I thought I could handle on my own. Cliche story. 

But like hearing an old sermon taught by a different pastor or from a different angle I want to look at the scriptures and reflect on God's goodness and sing praises as if it was the first time I ever had the chance to. 

I wanna be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I think I'm getting a lesson in that.


Wrapping up though I just wanna say that God is good. I'm in a good spot, stuff is weird (everything everywhere all the time is weird), my foot hurts. 

And heres a Psalm that's pretty dope

Psalm 23

1The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

2He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

3he refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

for his name’s sake.

4Even though I walk

through the darkest valley,a

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

5You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

6Surely your goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.

Happy funtimes. Pt. 1 (of just 2 don't flip on me)

Ayyyy

I wanna talk about things I love and (I feel blessed to say) I've gotten to be a part of,. I also wanna try to tie it all together to shed a little light on why I wanna teach and coach in the future. I'mma cut this into two separate parts too because it's already a giant block of text and I ain't about making it pretty with pictures and that.

-Music-
I wouldn't think music had much to do with coaching or teaching or basketball or really much at all since in my mind it comes pretty naturally and I don't sit and think about what it does for me. Then I sit here with my weird "write the perfect blog" writer's block nonsense going on forcing me to actually look at what music is for me right now, specifically the music I get to be a part of. But first some thoughts on what I think music is.

Kurt Vonnegut told a school that everyone should work on an art. Any art, no matter how good you are or how good you get. Simply to find out more about yourself. Let your soul grow. I'm not sure if your Mom's told you that a good corn chowder was good for your soul or not but throughout my childhood I heard that phrase about a good many things that probably are "good", but for the soul? I'm not so sure. But what Kurt said about an art I agree with whole heartedly.

Music is expression. Its emotion. It is the language of the soul. Its raw. Its universal. Its good. Its complex. Its simple. Its necessary.
You can love it from any angle! Making it, hearing it, writing it, picking it apart, certain voices, certain instruments, certain sounds, lyrics, lyricists, genres, songs.
I could prolly bore you with my favorite parts of all of those pieces that I think make up music but golly that'd be annoyingly long. (Lets just talk about it sometime)

My dad sings, always has, always will, so naturally my brothers and I sang all the time. From singing along to a Billy Gilman cd blasting on a boombox in the basement, being a choir boy nearly every year of school, to an aspiring worship leader on Sundays, I've always felt at home flexing my pipes.

The Lord has really blessed me. And before you read this and think "Holy crow, man. Steven just rambles on and on about how good he has it blah blah blah" I just wanna say I'm a weirdo and I don't process things until I speak them/write them out. So this is for me to just remind myself of how good our God is and for yall to be with me as I process it. Oh boy!

Opportunity-being raised by a family who enjoys singing and isn't afraid to sing whatever is playing on the radio and living in a small town that allowed me to be a part of a chorale program all throughout high school. My little brother also got me hooked up with a Voice coach for my senior year when I wasn't in the choir who worked with me (full of grace for a punk who didn't take it as seriously as he should have). And then now, being a part of a student ministry that encourages service and student involvement in every aspect of the services and events He has blessed me with The Rock and its worship team.

Talent- Reading music wasn't really a strong suit for me but feeling out melodies, hearing harmonies, and carrying a tune for me was nearly instinctual. I'll never claim to be a guitar player though.

Encouragement- I rag on my dad for being too easy on me and praising my efforts too easily but really his confidence in me, even when I was over critical of myself and my performance, was the uplift I needed when I wasn't yet secure in myself. Now some of my best friends are also some of my best encouragers. Joe Langworthy has been pushing me to give the worship team a shot for a couple years now and has always been there to help me out or give me a good word, critical when I need it but helpful always. I really just wanna sit here and give a shoutout to everybody but that'd get lengthy, I just want yall to know I don't take them as well as I'd want to but I really do appreciate whatever you guys say.

Great teammates- Some of my best friends share music with me. Some of my favorite memories are walking to and from my classes with my buddies and singing harmonies to whatever we were talking about, not even to mention being able to make up one half of a Coop section leader team with my best friend Jonathan. My little brother and I have led a few services at my home church and that kid has always made it super easy on me. He had to teach me the guitar part for every song we played on Sunday's because I was just stoked to share the words and melody. He did it patiently (most times) and totally confident in the Lord that whatever happened we would be raising a joyful noise that our heavenly Father would delight in. (ur a studmuffin Gabey). The band I get to play with now (what are we? Band 2? The other band? Whatever. ["Naming your band is the last thing you need to do"-Joe Langworthy]) is full of great teammates. These people are talented. Wow. I get so stoked worshiping with them that often times I lose myself and don't even think to play my guitar (yeaaa thats why I get lost as often as I do). But for real I love being part of a team like that

I didn't mean to be as conveniently transitional. Look at me.

I'm gonna scribe out some more about my third love in life (If singing was Numero uno and Daphne Blake is number 2)


-Basketball-
The prettiest, most fun, technical, talent filled, and perfect game this life has to offer. Its all about that orange ball.

Fun story. If it hadn't had been for Jared Patterson asking me in 4th grade (and I really have no clue why) if I wanted to be on their travelling team..

I might have never picked up a ball.
I might have never found my place in my small town
I might have never become friends with the guys
I might have been an ungraceful oaf forever
I might have taken high school even less seriously
I might not have any idea what it means to be a part of a team
I might not know how to relate to athletes
I might not have an idea of the kind of coach I want to be and what kinds of good (and harm) I could do

But he did.

I'm a guy who loves competition, might love it more than I really should. But basketball was an interesting challenge for me.

I was bad. Weird.

I rode the bench most of my awkward preteen/not showering/not getting it phase. I was hungry for minutes but also not much more than a warm lanky body out on the floor so I got to sit and watch for a good bit of my career but that let my brain soak the instruction and make up of the game. I couldn't just use my brain to make myself a better shooter or higher flyer but I could process instruction and tactics. So I learned. Ended up taking something from every coach I've ever had be it coaching style (during games, practice, prep, offseason)

I'm not gonna talk the glory days but more of why I want it to be a part of my life in my career.

Only recently have I realized how big of a deal coaching is.

Coaches are parents. Coaches are older brothers. Coaches have more impact than a lot of people might think.

Honest throughout high school between school, social life, girls, eating, and basketball my coaches were who I spent the most hours being influenced by. I yearned for their approval more than anything. I was as good as my coach thought I was. I was worth the amount of minutes I got on the floor.
Coach was my male role model
I got out with daddy issues out the wazz for it

Highschool is weird.
Guys are weird.

Where do I fit? Where am I comfortable? Where am I accepted? Where is home?
I think these questions get answered with sports all the time. ALL THE TIME.
Thats what I did. I wanted to be a basketball player. I put my worth in basketball.

Are you gettin me?
Coaches get to facilitate that to a good extent.

"Steven why would you wanna do that? Sounds tricky. Sounds rife with opportunities to hurt young men"

Its so I can get the keys to a basketball gym.

But for real. I wanna do it right. I want to be a positive male influence for guys going through some of the weirdest/hardest years of their lives. I want to love the guys I coach. I want to coach them on how to play basketball. I want to be able to watch insecure boys grow into confident young men, give them an escape because the sound of a swish from a 15 footer makes their mind refresh. I want them to get lost in something they love. I want to help them with teamwork, selflessness, encouragement, teaching, respect.

Even, as hard as it might be to do, be the coach that in some way helped a guy fall in love with Christ Jesus.

I just feel like I was made to coach. I think I fell in love with the orange ball because it would help me love others.

And maybe even coach a team to win the Class 4 basketball championship in Missouri.

There. Done. Exhausted. Nap time.

Thanks for reading. I'd love to talk more about any of this stuff. If its basketball I'm always thinking about it and if its music I always have a song in my head. I'm also a much better talker than writer.

Till next time!

Out of a crucible you come out more refined.

*I was not prepared
At the end of my fall sophomore semester here at Mizzou I had already been putting off some pretty serious issues. I don't know if I was lying to myself or just simply too scared to face where I was and what I was going to have to deal with but regardless I pushed everything out of my mind and just didn't stress about it. I had life to live. I'm in college and thats not supposed to be that stressful. The best time of your life. No rules.

Immature.

Not dealing with the more adult things I had to take care of. I wasn't paid up to Mizzou. I was behind on paying for the semester I wasn't enrolled in school for the spring. It wasn't college anymore. It wasn't the best time of my life anymore.

I hadn't dealt with that. I hadn't really come to terms with it at all. I had no real plan. I was just hoping it would just take care of itself. Whatever I did I didn't take care of it. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't think of it so it wasn't a stress-er. Besides. It was almost Christmas break. 

*Going home
Mizzou's Christmas break is awfully long. I remember my freshman year I was way done with being home about a week and a half earlier than what break allowed us to be done with home. I was ready to get back to CoMo. I knew this past break wasn't going to be any different. But I said the goodbye's to the guys in Cotton and headed back to the boonies cause I did miss home for the time being.

*break
Break is hard to write about. Not in an emo way but more strange and hard to put to words. Rationally it was a great break and everything I could've really asked for and anything that went wrong with it was my own fault. But thats not how I felt about it as it was going on. I was stressed out. I didn't know what I was going to do. Where I was going to go. If I'd ever go back to school. I didn't even have a plan for my future at the time but even that was falling apart day by day and I put off any effort to help myself out that I could. I went out with friends to drink and get high so I wouldn't have to think about what was going wrong. I can't blame anybody for it either. I love being around my family and I love being home. I just couldn't bring myself to tell them about it.

*not going back to school
But they found out obviously. Which was a bit of a nightmare to me. Then I was something that was stressing them out. I brought my own mess up and my own burden on them because they were the only ones I had. By the time school had started back up I stopped talking to anyone in CoMo just because I didn't want to have to answer the questions. "Where are you?" "Whats going on, Man?" "Are you ok?" I was too embarrassed to tell everybody. I couldn't afford to go to school anymore. I couldn't afford to pay my rent. I couldn't afford to even get back to Columbia. I cut off most everybody because I was too proud to admit I was in a rough spot. I isolated myself on purpose but in a matter of days it started to take its toll on me. I needed my community but I had removed myself from it. I felt so alone and

I didn't pray
I didn't go to Church
I didn't even think of God

*insecurities
Alone time is fine. I had too much alone time. I started to beat myself up. I was stupid to fall into this kind of trouble. I was a screw up to my family. I was supposed to finish school and get a degree from a big university. I was supposed to move up from the lower middle class. I was supposed to make everybody proud.

Just the culture of a small town made sure that most everybody knows roughly about you and what you're supposed to end up doing. It made my situation worse when I thought I would never measure up. People knew me. I was fairly successful at home. My last name has been in the area for a good long time. And I was bringing it down. As made up as this all sounds it was a huge reason for a lot of my stress. I just felt inadequate in so many ways

I felt stupid because I hadn't prepared far enough ahead for my college funds. I felt stupid for not taking care of anything. I felt stupid for being too prideful to seek out help. I felt so immature. At 19 years old I felt I had the maturity of a 12 year old

and I was too embarrassed to take it to God.

God had bigger things to deal with. He had people who were actually trying to help themselves and probably needed more help that I did. He had even people close to me that he could be taking care of. I didn't even want him to help me and my white kid problems. I didn't want him helping me in my self dug pit of failure.

I was so stuck in the lies that I didn't matter to anyone and I didn't deserve help. I was more trouble that I would ever be worth.

*low point
I don't exactly know what being suicidal looks like and I'm not going to claim that I was or I wasn't. But I do know I was pretty tired of everything. I was tired of being stressed out. I was tired of being a burden. I was tired of failing. I was tired of not having a plan. I was tired of being alone. I was tired of being.

I just wanted to drive off of a cliff. But I didn't want my dad to be out a truck. I felt so selfish for not wanting to be here anymore. It was just a big bad cycle.

The devil was having a hay-day with my heart and with my head. But God would have the last laugh in this episode. He was fixing to bless me more than I could ask for in the next few weeks.

*back to Mizzou
The first way I was blessed was by a total coincidence. I think I will always be thankful for the Chinese New Year because it was the reason I was able to get out of Salem and back into a place where I could do something with my life. Stone and some other Mizzou kids came down to eat real Chinese food and celebrate the different New Year in my home town. We had a good time there and they asked me to come back to CoMo with them. I didn't really know if I was supposed to go back but I jumped at the opportunity. A little premature I would say because I wasn't packed or anywhere emotionally ready to go back and face everyone but I did get back.

*the house
And where I got back to was the best place to live I know. I live in the Cotton house now. If you haven't heard of it you are missing out because its a blessing to everyone that enters. I live with over 10 other guys that are just pulling for me and living a life chasing after Christ and are just an encouraging, loving, and brotherly group. I have a place in CoMo to call home probably for the rest of my life and even if the house isn't here I will always have my Cotton brothers. This house and the guys I live with are all pivotal in the process of me getting back into a good spot. The first night I got back we had our weekly meeting and I got to share a little bit of how I was doing and at that time even a little bit of what I was feeling was nothing good. I had been just a cryin mess the whole day and I could only really think of one phrase the whole time I shared and that was "I'm pretty low right now fellas". I didn't even get that choked out. But it was met with love and encouragement all around. I found out that the guys had paid my last two months of rent. Something I still today couldn't end up paying myself. They made sure I had food in the house. They made sure I had rides to any interview or job offer I had. They gave me words of encouragement and wisdom. They were around to joke or just sit with whenever I needed. They're were guys lifting me up all around me and forcing me to start thinking that I mattered and that I was loved. Cotton is so much more than a house and I am totally blessed with having been voted in here.

*mens retreat
I have more than just the Men of Cotton to think of when I talk about community either. The church I attend here has some great guys and I got to have an awesome weekend with them a few weeks ago at a men's retreat we had. I got to shop for all the meat and other food we were going to be eating with the pastor John the morning of the retreat and just the little bit of shopping we did and the little bit of time we spent together that morning was a blessing. John and I both have the minds of a Coach and I think John enjoys coaching me a little bit and we had been meeting up and talking a few times. He was really excited for the retreat and as a good coach does he got me excited for it also. I had no idea what I was in for.

I don't know if you've ever been on a dudes (or girls) retreat or not but it is definitely refreshing. Not having to worry about how you look. Not having to worry about saying something dumb. Just laughing and having a good time with a bunch of guys that are chasing the same God is something that you just can't replicate with something else. This weekend was powerful

The talks were all geared to guy issues. Guys are mostly wired the same and it seems we all have the same few issues. We split into small groups after every talk to just get a bit more deeper after the three "lectures". It was refreshing to just get it out there what I had been struggling with and hearing the other guys in my small group just open up and get it out there to be able to share in each other's burdens was super encouraging. But we were still yet to experience the best part of it all.

We ended the retreat with a time of Repentance. A time to just open up with what we were struggling with or things we hadn't ever told anyone and that we wanted to ask forgiveness from God for in a public and safe place. A place where all the guys listening were pulling for you, were praying for you. A time to declare that we were done with how we sinned and that we wanted encouragement and support in cutting it out of our lives. It was great. It was so good. The feeling of coming together as the body of Christ is something indescribable. You could feel God in the room weeping with us and loving with us. It was an amazing experience I don't think I'll ever forget. Another thing that was cool was that it wasn't just a weekend feeling of community that we got from the retreat.

*communion
Back at Cotton I volunteered to give a communion meditation before we took communion as a house one Chibs. Through the week as I had worked on it I didn't get much out of what I was studying and didn't really have a direction to go when I spoke. I just prayed that I God would give me words to speak and a direction to lead when I did. He did so much more than that. Coupled with the Men's retreat he gave me a certain few passages and a poem that just proclaimed his love and our value to him. Something I needed to hear from anyone and was even better for me to be sharing with the house myself. It was too uncanny to be just a coincidence. Just the blatant blessings that were poured on me in the few weeks there was no way for me to feel under valued and worthless.

*job
Prayers were also being answered. I needed a source of income. I needed a place I could make some money and get some decent hours for the rest of summer so that I could figure my life out. I prayed for signs and prayed for direction and God gave me a grounds job at the Columbia Cemetery. He put me in a place where I feel comfortable, a place where I can get dirty and work with my hands a little bit like I like to do, he gave me great coworkers and great bosses. More than I even asked for



God wanted me to put more trust in him. He wanted to knock me off my high prideful horse. He worked to humble me. It was so hard to accept a lot of the blessings people gave me. It was so hard to ask for what I had to ask for. It was so hard just to be blessed. Which is hard to understand for me. I just pray every day that I can bless someone in a small way the ways I was blessed in the last few weeks.

God blesses us more than we ever ask for. He is right there with us in the harder times. He never leaves and he always pulls for us to get through what he has us go through. He has a plan even if we feel lost. Trusting in his will and not on our own plans for ourselves is something we all have to work on.

Nothing is accidental. He has a plan.

Dude. I'm getting wrecked. The last couple LT services were just so good for me. I just got to get out a lot of what's been aching and I got to do it in front of the whole group. I'll get more into that later.

Right now I'm loving this place. This growth. Being surrounded by people who are all wanting to radically follow Jesus has led to so many great conversations and its only been a couple of weeks that I've even been here. We just had our second project group day yesterday and that has been a totally heart melting experience with the vulnerability and openness of the group along with the feeling of family and how there is a goal of intentional relationships between us. I just know that I'm in the right place because God is showing me in so many different ways.

The relationships I've been growing in are the first clue. The guys I work with both the rough ones and the Christians alike are becoming some of my best friends here and I'm just really blessed there. Working with people I enjoy makes work a lot easier than I had thought it was going to be.
Its also a bit challenging though. One guy in particular told me the other day that he was an atheist and that was such a blatant challenge that I have been presented with. I struggled with that and now I have a chance to maybe help him out. Influence more than influenced.

Then there's the Project Group relationships. I can't state enough that I love my project group and our love for each other. Everyone is so encouraging and loving. We've been telling each other our testimonies every project day. Dustin and Leslie (our project leaders) have really put a challenge on our group to be open and vulnerable with each other and I feel as if we have all just opened up so well. I just feel so comfortable talking to everyone in the group. We've been so supportive of each other and so good at keeping each other accountable in these first couple weeks. Its been a bit surprising actually how serious the group has been taking these relationships. Pleasant surprise of course. Its just an awesome community here.

The services are hitting me so dead center recently also. Neal Kring gave the last two talks and both of them were just what I needed to hear from somebody that I think I can relate to in a lot of places. The one on Tuesday I shared my testimony before we started which was good for me to get out in front of everyone. Some of my struggles can't just be beaten by myself and I believe the 184 people there that heard my talk could be a really good support group as I work through my beefs. Its already proven to be a pretty awesome decision too because people here have been really supportive and encouraging. They usually know just what to say to me also. His sermons had a point that we have to remember constantly that no matter what we do or how guilty or crappy we feel that God loves us more than we can imagine. We can't do anything to make him love us any more or any less. It was just a good reminder for me. This summer has just had a resonating theme of Love and how to Love that has been affecting me so deeply. I don't think I'll go back home very much the same guy at all. Exciting and kinda scary at the same time.

Shoot this thing is all over the place.

Jack got baptized last night! I've been making it a point to pray a lot more this summer which is kinda new to me when its about everything. Where I used to just ask God for a lot of things when stuff was rough I want more to converse with Him about everything good and bad. Its been so good and with Jack getting baptized its just been really cool to have prayers answered.

On a less serious note (but just as important fo sho) I learned how to cast a fly fishing rod today. I accidentally sat at an older person table at breakfast this morning and I got to talking with a professional fly fishing guide. He was taking another guy from our table out today to teach him a few things and I told him I was interested in learning this summer. His wife made him take me along which I kinda laughed at but it ended up being a really cool experience. I totally got the hook-ups too. Hes gonna take me fishing all summer and as soon as I get my own rod and flies and license I'll just get to go wherever I want and catch all the fish I can. I just wish I could get my Papa Gene out here so I can do it with him. Maybe we can fly fish when I get home. That'd be totally awesome.

I'm not even gonna try to predict when the next blog is gonna come...(my 'rents flipped out that it took this long)

First week of LT!

I'm at LT. I'm also still adjusting to that because its a big difference to what I've been used to. But I think I'm in love with this place, these people, this opportunity we have to dedicate a summer to our Lord, God.

I don't even know where to start. I'm sitting here in the room with my nose running a marathon (friggin weather, dude) and I'm blogging so I can hopefully blog again tomorrow. I just feel like I want to take a little time to update this blog so I can remember what the first week of LT was like. My mind is just reeling though after another edifying talk with my project group leader.

I was anxious the last time I talked about LT which is totally like me because I am not one to welcome a change like this nor am I one to get comfortable with something I'm totally unfamiliar with. But I have totally changed my mind about not wanting to come or to be here. This place and this opportunity is such a blessing. I've been super convicted and challenged to use this summer to get my act together and grow up. Already its been a super encouraging experience. I think I'll talk more about that tomorrow or tuesday though

here I want to put out my summer goals

1. Grow up. As vague as that is I want to grow up. I had never had a real job until LT. I had never been this far away from home. I just want to come home changed in a lot of ways but in one particular way I want to be seen as more grown up because I feel like I could have more influence that way. I also can't just throw out my "I'm a freshman boy" excuse anymore.

2. Dive into the word. I want to read the whole bible this summer. NT and then OT. I know that a dry quick read isn't going to help me all that much but my bible map is so lacking and my knowledge of Christ's word is so inferior to what I want it to be. I want to read it this summer so that I can work the rest of my life in more of a intense study and mapping of the word as I live and grow in Christ. To live and to love like him I believe I have to read and to learn his word. To study and put into practice what he said and what he says.

3. Pray/devo/worship. I want to have a one to God (which is a one to one but with God) relationship with our Lord. I want to talk to him. I want to listen to him. I want to give him the reigns. I want to devote everything I do to him. I want to be able to hear him. I want to experience the gifts of the Spirit. I want to worship with my voice and my instrument. I want to get good enough to lead worship next semester. Even if its just playing around campus or something. This is vague too but I really just want to Love God.

4. Evangelize. I want to become an adequate evangelize-r. I want to be better than adequate. I want to be comfortable sharing my faith with everyone. Why do I have to worry about earning the trust? He earned it when He died on the cross!!

I think these are reasonable. I think I can accomplish them. I think I will have  a great experience working towards these goals this summer in this awesome community. I'll blog more about LT and the people here tomorrow I believe.

Its late. I'm leaving.

"Oh yea I'll keep up with my blog deal. I'll post all the time."
I failed.

Anyways since my last initial post a ton has happened. (A whole year of college, oops) But in five days I'm gonna say goodbye to my home, my hometown, my home county, my home state, for 11 weeks. Longer than I've been gone from Missouri in my whole life. I"m not scared. I'm worried.

Its summer. I should relax and recoop for next semester right? A trip to the mountains will be perfect for that right? Well..yea it is. This summer is gonna be awesome. LT is gonna be as great for me as it is for everyone else I know that has gone and gone again.

LT. Leadership Training aka Lots of Tears, Lots of Trials, Long and Tiring. Its so I can grow in my walk with God and I'm stoked for that. Its so I can lead people to Christ. Its so I can affect more people around me on a college campus. I'm so excited for all of that. Seriously I think its a talent that I've been given (selling things, convincing people) I think if I could refine myself a little bit I could be a stud leader. Thing is, what am I gonna be giving up by leaving home for so long?

The saying FOMO is one of the most annoying things to me ever but that might be because of where I got it. But really the fear of missing out is crazy in my head right now.

Right this second I'm sitting on my bed at my Grammy and Papa Gene's. I spent the week with them this week because it is the only week I'll be home and able to see them this year (they're gone to Florida for the cold months) and quite frankly it could be the last summer I have my Papa Gene. That could be so real. If I had to leave Colorado for something like that I wouldn't go back. I just don't think I could.
I'm leaving for Salem tomorrow afternoon and I've got a few meet-ups I'm supposed to make. Everyone is getting home from their first years of college and we all wanna hook up with our old buddies. People I'm still really close to. These next few days are all I've got with em too. That stinks. Heck and when I get back I'm gonna be different (thats the point right?) and so will they. I've watched a lot of my friends change a ton after their first years at college and a lot of it hasn't been any fun to watch at all. Point is, now that I think about it, my closest friends are gonna be here. The ones I actually trust and that actually know me are all gonna be here.

Some of em are dickin it up too. I wanna be playin tennis everyday with Arthur. Getting burnt to a crisp and talking about stupid girls. I wanna be around that friggin kid so he doesn't get himself killed. I wanna watch weird movies with him and Jon every weekend so I know whats up with em and know they're alright. I guess I just want my buddies back.
And that dang girl. I'll get over it all I guess. Stupid L-Bomb.

What else am I skippin out on? Church softball. My church in general. I don't get to go there enough as it is. Basketball with the old guys. I wanna be able to play with them every single Tuesday.

Family. I miss my brothers. Jack is gonna be a Junior. Quarterback on the football team. Maybe play some Varsity ball. Track star. Idiot guy in highschool like his brother. I get to miss some more of that. Gabey rockin out all summer with his bands and groups. He'll prolly get taller than me by the end of it too. I can't play tennis with him this summer either. I hope my dad can take em out to Estes. The old man is getting old. I just hope the summer goes well for my Dad. I hope he has enough help around the house. I hope he takes care of himself. I hope he gets to grill. I hope the dang garden does ok. I just want him happy. I hope they're all happy. I hope mom's stupid case gets figured out. I hope her and Dave can stay together through everything. I hope her finals went ok. I don't wanna miss them. I don't wanna miss out.

I'm so stressed out about all this stuff. I never stress. Stress is so bad for you. Kills you. I'm not even enrolled in college right now. Friggin being broke sucks. I need to tell my dad. Get something figured out. I'll be in Columbia just bein a bum around campus if I don't. That's terrifying. Way to go, Idiot. Way to screw up what you had going for you. AHHHHHHHHH!

I'm not gonna be ok till I'm in Colorado. This anxiety junk is for the birds. But not gonna lie to myself right here, I do not wanna go.

I don't wanna meet a ton of new people. I don't wanna be one of the new guys. I don't wanna go out of my comfort zone. I don't wanna be out there in the cold summer of Estes Park. I don't wanna have my first real job. I don't wanna go with four of my closest college buddies to a crucible for Christ where we're gonna build relationships that will probably last our whole lives. I don't want change.

But why? What the heck is wrong with all that good stuff? Maybe I'm just freaked out. Maybe I'm just tired.

I'mma try to keep this thing a little more consistent this summer. If I ever put this out there for other people to read I'll put up some LT updates. Whats going on and everything.

guess that God book I've been reading in the bathroom this week is kinda awesome. Sorrows lasting in the night but Joy comes in the morning. Theres no way all of this is coincidence.