Its late. I'm leaving.

"Oh yea I'll keep up with my blog deal. I'll post all the time."
I failed.

Anyways since my last initial post a ton has happened. (A whole year of college, oops) But in five days I'm gonna say goodbye to my home, my hometown, my home county, my home state, for 11 weeks. Longer than I've been gone from Missouri in my whole life. I"m not scared. I'm worried.

Its summer. I should relax and recoop for next semester right? A trip to the mountains will be perfect for that right? Well..yea it is. This summer is gonna be awesome. LT is gonna be as great for me as it is for everyone else I know that has gone and gone again.

LT. Leadership Training aka Lots of Tears, Lots of Trials, Long and Tiring. Its so I can grow in my walk with God and I'm stoked for that. Its so I can lead people to Christ. Its so I can affect more people around me on a college campus. I'm so excited for all of that. Seriously I think its a talent that I've been given (selling things, convincing people) I think if I could refine myself a little bit I could be a stud leader. Thing is, what am I gonna be giving up by leaving home for so long?

The saying FOMO is one of the most annoying things to me ever but that might be because of where I got it. But really the fear of missing out is crazy in my head right now.

Right this second I'm sitting on my bed at my Grammy and Papa Gene's. I spent the week with them this week because it is the only week I'll be home and able to see them this year (they're gone to Florida for the cold months) and quite frankly it could be the last summer I have my Papa Gene. That could be so real. If I had to leave Colorado for something like that I wouldn't go back. I just don't think I could.
I'm leaving for Salem tomorrow afternoon and I've got a few meet-ups I'm supposed to make. Everyone is getting home from their first years of college and we all wanna hook up with our old buddies. People I'm still really close to. These next few days are all I've got with em too. That stinks. Heck and when I get back I'm gonna be different (thats the point right?) and so will they. I've watched a lot of my friends change a ton after their first years at college and a lot of it hasn't been any fun to watch at all. Point is, now that I think about it, my closest friends are gonna be here. The ones I actually trust and that actually know me are all gonna be here.

Some of em are dickin it up too. I wanna be playin tennis everyday with Arthur. Getting burnt to a crisp and talking about stupid girls. I wanna be around that friggin kid so he doesn't get himself killed. I wanna watch weird movies with him and Jon every weekend so I know whats up with em and know they're alright. I guess I just want my buddies back.
And that dang girl. I'll get over it all I guess. Stupid L-Bomb.

What else am I skippin out on? Church softball. My church in general. I don't get to go there enough as it is. Basketball with the old guys. I wanna be able to play with them every single Tuesday.

Family. I miss my brothers. Jack is gonna be a Junior. Quarterback on the football team. Maybe play some Varsity ball. Track star. Idiot guy in highschool like his brother. I get to miss some more of that. Gabey rockin out all summer with his bands and groups. He'll prolly get taller than me by the end of it too. I can't play tennis with him this summer either. I hope my dad can take em out to Estes. The old man is getting old. I just hope the summer goes well for my Dad. I hope he has enough help around the house. I hope he takes care of himself. I hope he gets to grill. I hope the dang garden does ok. I just want him happy. I hope they're all happy. I hope mom's stupid case gets figured out. I hope her and Dave can stay together through everything. I hope her finals went ok. I don't wanna miss them. I don't wanna miss out.

I'm so stressed out about all this stuff. I never stress. Stress is so bad for you. Kills you. I'm not even enrolled in college right now. Friggin being broke sucks. I need to tell my dad. Get something figured out. I'll be in Columbia just bein a bum around campus if I don't. That's terrifying. Way to go, Idiot. Way to screw up what you had going for you. AHHHHHHHHH!

I'm not gonna be ok till I'm in Colorado. This anxiety junk is for the birds. But not gonna lie to myself right here, I do not wanna go.

I don't wanna meet a ton of new people. I don't wanna be one of the new guys. I don't wanna go out of my comfort zone. I don't wanna be out there in the cold summer of Estes Park. I don't wanna have my first real job. I don't wanna go with four of my closest college buddies to a crucible for Christ where we're gonna build relationships that will probably last our whole lives. I don't want change.

But why? What the heck is wrong with all that good stuff? Maybe I'm just freaked out. Maybe I'm just tired.

I'mma try to keep this thing a little more consistent this summer. If I ever put this out there for other people to read I'll put up some LT updates. Whats going on and everything.

guess that God book I've been reading in the bathroom this week is kinda awesome. Sorrows lasting in the night but Joy comes in the morning. Theres no way all of this is coincidence.