*I was not prepared
At the end of my fall sophomore semester here at Mizzou I had already been putting off some pretty serious issues. I don't know if I was lying to myself or just simply too scared to face where I was and what I was going to have to deal with but regardless I pushed everything out of my mind and just didn't stress about it. I had life to live. I'm in college and thats not supposed to be that stressful. The best time of your life. No rules.
Immature.
Not dealing with the more adult things I had to take care of. I wasn't paid up to Mizzou. I was behind on paying for the semester I wasn't enrolled in school for the spring. It wasn't college anymore. It wasn't the best time of my life anymore.
I hadn't dealt with that. I hadn't really come to terms with it at all. I had no real plan. I was just hoping it would just take care of itself. Whatever I did I didn't take care of it. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't think of it so it wasn't a stress-er. Besides. It was almost Christmas break.
*Going home
Mizzou's Christmas break is awfully long. I remember my freshman year I was way done with being home about a week and a half earlier than what break allowed us to be done with home. I was ready to get back to CoMo. I knew this past break wasn't going to be any different. But I said the goodbye's to the guys in Cotton and headed back to the boonies cause I did miss home for the time being.
*break
Break is hard to write about. Not in an emo way but more strange and hard to put to words. Rationally it was a great break and everything I could've really asked for and anything that went wrong with it was my own fault. But thats not how I felt about it as it was going on. I was stressed out. I didn't know what I was going to do. Where I was going to go. If I'd ever go back to school. I didn't even have a plan for my future at the time but even that was falling apart day by day and I put off any effort to help myself out that I could. I went out with friends to drink and get high so I wouldn't have to think about what was going wrong. I can't blame anybody for it either. I love being around my family and I love being home. I just couldn't bring myself to tell them about it.
*not going back to school
But they found out obviously. Which was a bit of a nightmare to me. Then I was something that was stressing them out. I brought my own mess up and my own burden on them because they were the only ones I had. By the time school had started back up I stopped talking to anyone in CoMo just because I didn't want to have to answer the questions. "Where are you?" "Whats going on, Man?" "Are you ok?" I was too embarrassed to tell everybody. I couldn't afford to go to school anymore. I couldn't afford to pay my rent. I couldn't afford to even get back to Columbia. I cut off most everybody because I was too proud to admit I was in a rough spot. I isolated myself on purpose but in a matter of days it started to take its toll on me. I needed my community but I had removed myself from it. I felt so alone and
I didn't pray
I didn't go to Church
I didn't even think of God
*insecurities
Alone time is fine. I had too much alone time. I started to beat myself up. I was stupid to fall into this kind of trouble. I was a screw up to my family. I was supposed to finish school and get a degree from a big university. I was supposed to move up from the lower middle class. I was supposed to make everybody proud.
Just the culture of a small town made sure that most everybody knows roughly about you and what you're supposed to end up doing. It made my situation worse when I thought I would never measure up. People knew me. I was fairly successful at home. My last name has been in the area for a good long time. And I was bringing it down. As made up as this all sounds it was a huge reason for a lot of my stress. I just felt inadequate in so many ways
I felt stupid because I hadn't prepared far enough ahead for my college funds. I felt stupid for not taking care of anything. I felt stupid for being too prideful to seek out help. I felt so immature. At 19 years old I felt I had the maturity of a 12 year old
and I was too embarrassed to take it to God.
God had bigger things to deal with. He had people who were actually trying to help themselves and probably needed more help that I did. He had even people close to me that he could be taking care of. I didn't even want him to help me and my white kid problems. I didn't want him helping me in my self dug pit of failure.
I was so stuck in the lies that I didn't matter to anyone and I didn't deserve help. I was more trouble that I would ever be worth.
*low point
I don't exactly know what being suicidal looks like and I'm not going to claim that I was or I wasn't. But I do know I was pretty tired of everything. I was tired of being stressed out. I was tired of being a burden. I was tired of failing. I was tired of not having a plan. I was tired of being alone. I was tired of being.
I just wanted to drive off of a cliff. But I didn't want my dad to be out a truck. I felt so selfish for not wanting to be here anymore. It was just a big bad cycle.
The devil was having a hay-day with my heart and with my head. But God would have the last laugh in this episode. He was fixing to bless me more than I could ask for in the next few weeks.
*back to Mizzou
The first way I was blessed was by a total coincidence. I think I will always be thankful for the Chinese New Year because it was the reason I was able to get out of Salem and back into a place where I could do something with my life. Stone and some other Mizzou kids came down to eat real Chinese food and celebrate the different New Year in my home town. We had a good time there and they asked me to come back to CoMo with them. I didn't really know if I was supposed to go back but I jumped at the opportunity. A little premature I would say because I wasn't packed or anywhere emotionally ready to go back and face everyone but I did get back.
*the house
And where I got back to was the best place to live I know. I live in the Cotton house now. If you haven't heard of it you are missing out because its a blessing to everyone that enters. I live with over 10 other guys that are just pulling for me and living a life chasing after Christ and are just an encouraging, loving, and brotherly group. I have a place in CoMo to call home probably for the rest of my life and even if the house isn't here I will always have my Cotton brothers. This house and the guys I live with are all pivotal in the process of me getting back into a good spot. The first night I got back we had our weekly meeting and I got to share a little bit of how I was doing and at that time even a little bit of what I was feeling was nothing good. I had been just a cryin mess the whole day and I could only really think of one phrase the whole time I shared and that was "I'm pretty low right now fellas". I didn't even get that choked out. But it was met with love and encouragement all around. I found out that the guys had paid my last two months of rent. Something I still today couldn't end up paying myself. They made sure I had food in the house. They made sure I had rides to any interview or job offer I had. They gave me words of encouragement and wisdom. They were around to joke or just sit with whenever I needed. They're were guys lifting me up all around me and forcing me to start thinking that I mattered and that I was loved. Cotton is so much more than a house and I am totally blessed with having been voted in here.
*mens retreat
I have more than just the Men of Cotton to think of when I talk about community either. The church I attend here has some great guys and I got to have an awesome weekend with them a few weeks ago at a men's retreat we had. I got to shop for all the meat and other food we were going to be eating with the pastor John the morning of the retreat and just the little bit of shopping we did and the little bit of time we spent together that morning was a blessing. John and I both have the minds of a Coach and I think John enjoys coaching me a little bit and we had been meeting up and talking a few times. He was really excited for the retreat and as a good coach does he got me excited for it also. I had no idea what I was in for.
I don't know if you've ever been on a dudes (or girls) retreat or not but it is definitely refreshing. Not having to worry about how you look. Not having to worry about saying something dumb. Just laughing and having a good time with a bunch of guys that are chasing the same God is something that you just can't replicate with something else. This weekend was powerful
The talks were all geared to guy issues. Guys are mostly wired the same and it seems we all have the same few issues. We split into small groups after every talk to just get a bit more deeper after the three "lectures". It was refreshing to just get it out there what I had been struggling with and hearing the other guys in my small group just open up and get it out there to be able to share in each other's burdens was super encouraging. But we were still yet to experience the best part of it all.
We ended the retreat with a time of Repentance. A time to just open up with what we were struggling with or things we hadn't ever told anyone and that we wanted to ask forgiveness from God for in a public and safe place. A place where all the guys listening were pulling for you, were praying for you. A time to declare that we were done with how we sinned and that we wanted encouragement and support in cutting it out of our lives. It was great. It was so good. The feeling of coming together as the body of Christ is something indescribable. You could feel God in the room weeping with us and loving with us. It was an amazing experience I don't think I'll ever forget. Another thing that was cool was that it wasn't just a weekend feeling of community that we got from the retreat.
*communion
Back at Cotton I volunteered to give a communion meditation before we took communion as a house one Chibs. Through the week as I had worked on it I didn't get much out of what I was studying and didn't really have a direction to go when I spoke. I just prayed that I God would give me words to speak and a direction to lead when I did. He did so much more than that. Coupled with the Men's retreat he gave me a certain few passages and a poem that just proclaimed his love and our value to him. Something I needed to hear from anyone and was even better for me to be sharing with the house myself. It was too uncanny to be just a coincidence. Just the blatant blessings that were poured on me in the few weeks there was no way for me to feel under valued and worthless.
*job
Prayers were also being answered. I needed a source of income. I needed a place I could make some money and get some decent hours for the rest of summer so that I could figure my life out. I prayed for signs and prayed for direction and God gave me a grounds job at the Columbia Cemetery. He put me in a place where I feel comfortable, a place where I can get dirty and work with my hands a little bit like I like to do, he gave me great coworkers and great bosses. More than I even asked for
God wanted me to put more trust in him. He wanted to knock me off my high prideful horse. He worked to humble me. It was so hard to accept a lot of the blessings people gave me. It was so hard to ask for what I had to ask for. It was so hard just to be blessed. Which is hard to understand for me. I just pray every day that I can bless someone in a small way the ways I was blessed in the last few weeks.
God blesses us more than we ever ask for. He is right there with us in the harder times. He never leaves and he always pulls for us to get through what he has us go through. He has a plan even if we feel lost. Trusting in his will and not on our own plans for ourselves is something we all have to work on.
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